LAWYER & LEGAL JOKES

>>Disclaimer!<<

The jokes on this site are some the author has found humorous in his practice; even if the laughter of Virginia is uniform, humor from one area to another (and one judge to another) varies. And forget any relationship to the sense of humor of any other state. Therefore, use of ANY joke (or other document on this site) is at the sole risk and responsibility of the user, and in no way creates or implies a comedian-audience relationship with the author, his firm, staff, family or even his dog. And isn't it silly that we have to cover our *(&%$ with disclaimers in case some fool wants to blame me when they screw up? Oh, using this site means you have a sense of humor.

Here's a World Class site about the funny side of law. I guarantee you'll spend hours enjoying it. LawHaHa.com

I'm looking for more stories and lawyer jokes; email me with any suggestions.

A lawyer is someone who sheds darkness on a subject by talking about it.

I used to be a lawyer, but now I am a reformed character.
-- (Pres.) Woodrow Wilson

Actually, there are only two lawyer jokes.
-- all the rest of the stories are true!
-- and their names are . . .

Lawyers are like Oysters -- enjoying them is an acquired taste
-- Donna, my assistant (see below!)


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"LAST NIGHT"

A Tribute to Donna, my very capable and tolerant assistant.
She tries her best to keep me straight and handles the calls from various clients.

Last night while I lay sleeping,
I died, or so it seems.
Then I went to heaven,
but 'twas only in my dreams.

But, it seems St. Peter met me
there at the Pearly Gates.
He said, "I must check your record,
so stand right here and wait".

He returned and said,
"Your record is clouded up with flaws.
But on earth I see you labored,
for a very worthy cause".

"You fought snow & ice in the winter,
and sweated in the summer heat.
You couldn't afford a big meal,
when you stopped for a bite to eat."

"I see where you drank whiskey,
and used tobacco too.
Fact is you've done lots of things,
that a good woman shouldn't do."

"We can't have women like you up here,
Your life was full of sin."
Then he read the last of my record,
Grasped my hand and said, "Come on in".

He took me up to the Big Boss.
Said, "Take her in and treat her well.
This woman worked for Hart & Hart, Sir.
She's had her share of hell".

       

Crazy Creditor Story:

Creditors get stupider and stupider the more they centralize everything.

A client died this past January. TarHeel National Bank billed her for February and March for their monthly service charge on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge...the balance had been $0.00... now was somewhere around $60.00) I placed the following phone call to TarHeel:

Me:  "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."

TarHeel: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still
apply."

Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections..."

TarHeel: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been."

Me: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

TarHeel: "Either report her account to the frauds division, or report her
to the credit bureau...maybe both!"

Me: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"

TarHeel: "...excuse me ....?"

Me: "Did you just get what I was telling you.... the part about her being
dead?"

TarHeel: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor!" (Supervisor gets on the phone)

Me: ''I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

TarHeel: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still
apply."

Me: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

TarHeel: ".....(stammer)"   "Are you her lawyer?"

Me: "No, I'm the attorney for the estate."  (Lawyer info given... )

TarHeel: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?" ( Fax number is given, cert sent )

TarHeel: (After they get the fax.) "Our system just isn't setup for death..."

Me: "Oh..."

TarHeel: "I don't know what more I can do to help..."

Me: "Well... if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep
billing her...I suppose...don't really think she will care...."

TarHeel: "Well...the late fees and charges do still apply."

Me: "'Would you like her new billing address?"

TarHeel: "That might help."

Me: " ( Odessa Memorial Cemetery #### Hwy 129 and plot number given. )

TarHeel: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Me: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?!!"

(I love jerking chains of stupid creditors!)



Ross' Soapbox
95% of the lawyers out there give the rest of us a bad name!

I'm gonna get on a soapbox here -- about stupid lawsuits.  It seems that whenever something goes wrong, our society wants to figure who we can blame for it --other than our own selves-- and sue them. (Note my disclaimers!).  Some companies are stopping business in some states; doctors have seen their medical malpractice rates double, triple or quadruple. A college baseball player sued the school, league, and the MAKER OF THE FOOL BAT when he couldn't throw a strike and the batter stroked the ball right at his head. And the ignorant (in my opinion) California (where the hell else!) appeals court let the suit continue. I'm glad I'm on the "right" coast rather than the (in my opinion) looney left coast!

There is a site dedicated to exposing this foolisness.  The stories would be funny if the cost of defending the damn stupid actions weren't tragic.



 

Thanks.  Back to the lighter stuff  . . . .

=========


What is the oldest profession?A physician, an engineer, and an attorney were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented. The physician said, "Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession."

The engineer replied, "But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine."

Then, the lawyer spoke up. "Yes," he said, "But who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?"

=======================

 A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.

"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it." "You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat." The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown. Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop. "Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner. "No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer."

=======================

Trying to take it with you

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you." After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died.

He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan was that when he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.

Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife had gone up in the attic to clean. Coming upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash she exclaimed, "Oh, that darned old fool, I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."

==========

Not a lawyer joke, but close:

A couple shows up to get a marriage license at the proper place. They fill out the forms, present the proper ID's and papers, and the clerk gets the license ready.  Clerk says "That'll be $20.00".  The soon to be bride (not a sterling example of Darwin's selection theory) says "EACH??".  At this point, a smart aleck lawyer (who is nameless?) who was passing by stops, and in a serious manner says "Actually, m'aam, it's $10.00 per person; if three of you were getting married, the fee would be $30.00".  Not quite the bride says "OK, that's logical.  Thanks."  Smart aleck goes on to do what he needed to do; the clerk (and everyone else) rolled on the floor.

=============

TRUE STORY; I was there:  

A number of years ago a very good friend of mine retired from the bench:  he'd sat as a General District Court (traffic, minor offenses, modest civil claims) Judge for 20+ years.  At the lunch table the day after he announced his retirement, we were talking about it with him. 

"You know," he said, "after 20 years, it gets tiring to have to walk into the Courtroom every day and see the bottom of the heap, the dregs of society or the scum of the earth."  

"Yeah" said another lawyer at the table, "Then you have to face their clients!".

==================

A Rabbi, a Hindu and a lawyer were driving late at night in the country when their car quit. They set out to find help, and came to a farmhouse. When they knocked at the door, the farmer explained that he had only two beds, and one of the three had to sleep in the barn with the animals. The three quickly agreed.

The Rabbi said he would sleep in the barn and let the other two have the beds. Ten minutes after the Rabbi left, there was a knock on the bedroom door. The Rabbi entered exclaiming, "I can't sleep in the barn; there is a pig in there. It's against my religion to sleep in the same room with a pig!"

The Hindu said HE would sleep in the barn, as he had no religious problem with pigs. However, about five minutes later, the Hindu burst through the bedroom door saying, "There's a COW in the barn! I can't sleep in the same room as a cow! It's against my religion!"
 
The lawyer, anxious to get to sleep, said he'd go to the barn, as he had no problem sleeping with animals.

In two minutes, the bedroom door burst open and the pig and the cow entered...

=====================

Whaddya get when you cross a Lawyer with a Pig?

--- nothing.  There are some things even a Pig won't do.

=====================


TITLE TO LOUISIANA

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the Lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply (actual letter):

"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter):

"Your letter, regarding title in Case No. 189156, has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased, by the U.S., from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application.  For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S.ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Isabella. The good queen, Isabella, being pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus' expedition. Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world.  Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana. God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back, to before the beginning of time, and the world as we know it AND the FHA. I hope the heck you find God's original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our dang loan?"

The loan was approved.